Who am I

I am many things.

Upon reflecting the following words come to mind: husband, father, son, colleague, friend, philosophical, idealist, perfectionist, patient, empathetic, respectful, forgiving, fair, fearful, stubborn

Fairness permeates almost every conscious decision I make. I try to split my person between all my roles, both family and otherwise, so everyone gets attention - that is fair. I reflect on my roles and how I become better at them. I want people around me to be their best version of themselves, and if I cannot help them at least I should not be in their way.

I do fail from time to time. Mostly due to fear, anxiety and stubbornness. When I do fail, I try to forgive myself - just like I would forgive other people failing me. For reasons unknown to me it is harder to forgive myself than other people 🤔 Is it connected to the perfectionist in me? Always striving for the unattainable ideal and getting disappointed when it unavoidably fails.

I feel the pain of others, both physical and psychological. Being around negative energy brings me down. Maybe I am also selfish… Do I solely try to make other people feel good so I can feel good myself? Regardless of the reasons, I want them to feel good and the most effective tools I found are respect and attention. It brings me so much joy to see them straighten their back, being proud, wanting to put in effort and smiling with their eyes.

I sometimes wonder how other people see me… If they perceive me how I would like to be perceived, and notice the things that I put the most effort into, Perhaps I am unaware of unconscious behavior, that is more salient.

I should ask - but will I like the answer?

Update 14/4-2024 I also tend to avoid conflict - less so at work. For some reason it doesn’t feel personal there.