2020 in retrospect

This post is about me. By me, for me.

For a long time, I did not dare to be the person that I am. Rather I tried to be the person that I led everyone around me to believe I was. Ashamed of admitting that I pretended and correct course, I kept fleeing. To maintain the illusion I found myself always looking for the smallest signs of dissatisfaction from others, and adjusting behavior accordingly to go unnoticed. Always afraid of the conflict that standing up for myself would bring. Afraid of being put down and having my feelings reasoned with logic. Logic, that would conclude dreams and desires wrong - that I was “wrong”. Defective.

Finding and walking the path that is right for me, isn’t something I just started doing from one day to the next. But slowly I have been leaving my fear and guilt and with that my depression behind me. It takes continuous effort, awareness and hard work, because it is too easy to slip into old thought patterns and suppress myself.

Though I stumble now and again, I’ve felt notable improvements in 2020 and most days are good. It is almost like regaining lost abilities.

I might seem very confident when I loudly express that: I don’t care about what other people think (of me), and how there should be room for quirks. To be honest I need to be convincing, mostly because I need to repeatedly convince myself. A steady reminder for me to stay on course and not neglect again:

• Helping others, but not at the cost of myself.
• Learn from the past without dwelling on it.
• Don’t lie, especially to myself.